To wash or not to wash...

As I am standing there, practically washing the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, I start thinking of the reason why. 

Why do I add more to my daily tasks of trying to make a nice clean house for my kids?  Why do I scrub and scrub until my fingers have no feeling?  Why am I NOT sitting down and playing with my kids?  Or just sitting there watching my sweet new daughters sleep?  I will tell you why.

In my last post about my PPD I mentioned my parents.  No, not ALL my issues have to do with my parents, but the stem of my issues do.  Growing up it was my Dad saying stuff about me being fat, or lazy or that 'he has forgotten more than I will ever learn'.  Then my Mom being so critical about how to make sure things are clean and tidy.

Standing there scrubbing the dishes to put them in the dishwasher I hear my Mom's voice, "If you have a dishwasher you should never have a sink of dirty dishes.".  Well, yeah mom, but I also have kids who wish to play and have a relationship with me... much like I wanted one with you growing up. 

My mom and I have a good relationship now, but it would have been nice to have one while growing up.

It's only in your head...

I have a condition.  It's not a disability.  It doesn't show on the outside.  In fact I can hide this condition rather well with a smile.  That is unless you really know me and can see past the smile into my eyes.

I am talking depression, postpartum depression to be exact.  Why am I sharing this on a blog?  I am sharing it because there are too many women who have it and are unable to admit it.  I myself had a hard time admitting it to myself and even when I did I hid it for a few days.

Lots of times women think. "Oh, that won't happen to me."  So they go about their daily lives and try to brush it off as 'baby blues'.  Then you have the moms, like me, who think.  "I have a great family, what is wrong with me that I can't be happy?"

Well, I am going to be honest about me at least.  I am very hard on myself.  I expect myself to do great and it may come from my upbringing.  As much as I love my parents, my dad was rather harsh in his words.  My mother, though she had her great moments, pretty much just backed up my dad.  When I was having issues as a kid, I remembering my father telling me, "It's all in your head."

Then as I got older, I have to say this, YES it is "All in my head."  and every other person suffering from this.  It is very disturbing, it makes one not even want to do the things they once enjoyed.  It brings the toughest woman/mommy to her knees!

Then sometimes when you tell someone what's going on you get:
"There are people worse than you."
"You have no reason to feel this way."
"I thought you were stronger than that."
"You have such a great life, you shouldn't feel this way."

Way to make one with depression of any kind feel better.  At least in some way I can get some laughter from the newest 'Alice in Wonderland':